Cancellation Quest

I felt like writing a quest thread as a sort of experiment in storytelling. I'll start things off, request an action at the end of each post, and in most cases, I will take the first suggestion.

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You are EXILE #714, better known to the mortals of Glitch City as the vaguely feared Lord Renais D'Arc. But you've recently taken up the nickname of 'Darc' among your loyal followers, because 'Lord Renais D'Arc' is one hell of a mouthful.

Today is a day of absolute TRAGEDY. Your favorite show, MAGICAL GIRL WITCH DETECTIVE, was canceled. No doubt this is a clever plot in place by a certain squad of heroes. They're definitely trying to invoke your GENOCIDAL RAGE and destroy your PR in Glitch City forever. Or for the next two weeks. You never know with these mortals.

Naturally, it is a task of utmost importance to bring back the show that brought you to TEARS with its moving PLOT and surprising lack of FANSERVICE.

But the question is, how shall you go about this undoubtedly difficult and adventurous task, fraught with danger?

First order of business, take a picture of your favorite character from the show, crawl under your bed and cry while you masturbate for a while because you are so sad that your favorite show is gone, probably forever.

spend HOURS at the gym this summer in tight shorts. Must eat much Meat!

>First order of business, take a picture of your favorite character from the show, crawl under your bed and cry while you masturbate for a while because you are so sad that your favorite show is gone, probably forever.

No way in hell are you gonna do that. You're a big, strong, independent man, and you won't let any cancellation get you dow- Aw, who the hell are you kidding? This is perhaps the worst day of your life, and if you're going to cry and masturbate, you're going to damn well do it! You grab your treasured picture of Nonohara Miaka and crawl under your bed, bawling your eyes out. Goddammit, you loved this girl. You could almost say that her role as the FAITH SORCERESS really touched base with you. A fellow exile, attempting to further develop her magical powers even as the heroines of the series were BEATING DOWN HER DOOR. Truly a villainess you could love. But she's definitely not your waifu. You swear this loudly, as though this stalwart denial can somehow cancel out your unmanly bawling.

Figuring you can't get much lower at this point, you decide to do something you have never done before, ruining your ENTIRELY PLATONIC and NON-SEXUAL relationship with this beautiful picture of the best character ever, you attempt to shamefap to her picture, imagining you and her in the most DEPRAVED acts of all, such as HOLDING HANDS.

The limited space under your bed makes it difficult to efficiently move your arm in a stroking motion, so you quickly stop this before Florian comes in with her EVER JUDGING eyes.

>spend HOURS at the gym this summer in tight shorts. Must eat much Meat!

Speak of the devil.

Florian enters your room, and without a word, provides you with a pair of tight shorts and a shopping list, almost entirely consumed by the word 'steak'. You forgot you were trying to get into shape this summer.

Florian silently nods to you, looking like the cat that ate the canary as she leaves and closes the door. You hear laughter on the other side.

What is your chosen course of action?

Stab that bitch in the kneecaps with a rusty dagger! How DARE she laugh at you like that!

>Stab that bitch in the kneecaps with a rusty dagger! How DARE she laugh at you like that!

Of course! Such behavior is unacceptable! You reach for your collection of rusty daggers to show her your sweet stabs, but it just occurred to you that you had to sell said collection to afford rent this month. Bummer. You'll just have to settle for discretely peeing in Florian's morning coffee until you are capable of showing her your sweet stabs once again.

What is your chosen course of action?

If no daggers are available placing a rock inside a sock might be more effective than stabbing anyhow.
Also you have a pair of tight shorts and a shopping list, better slip them spankies on and get your tight ass to Wal-Mart or Meijer or some shit.

>If no daggers are available placing a rock inside a sock might be more effective than stabbing anyhow.
Also you have a pair of tight shorts and a shopping list, better slip them spankies on and get your tight ass to Wal-Mart or Meijer or some shit.

This idea pleases you greatly, but there's one simple oversight. You don't own any socks! You've actually been secretly stealing Florian's socks, which are surprisingly comfortable, and not only would a sock-based threat allow her to simply stop buying socks altogether, but you also can't bring yourself to hurt her with her own socks. It feels overly cruel, even for a villain with class like you. Stabbing people, on the other hand, is usually fair game.

You slip on those sexy tight shorts, remarking to yourself in the mirror how they make your already sexy ass look even sexier. Totally a fact. Not narcissism at all.

You check your TOWN MAP for information regarding stores where you could buy GROCERIES. Not counting UNMARKED LOCATIONS, your options are:

-Kmart
-Wallmart
-Bestbuy
-Men's Warehouse

What is your chosen course of action?

Bestbuy does sell meat right? You should go there and ask for steaks.

>Bestbuy does sell meat right? You should go there and ask for steaks.

Upon entering Bestbuy, you make an inquiry about steaks. Before you know it, you've been sent to customer support, then to Geek Squad, and then to the computer section.

A sales person presents you with a MAC, flinging potentially fake buzzwords at you a mile a minute. As much as you might have wanted to refuse him, you find yourself unable to ESCAPE from his MAGNETIC SALESPERSON PERSONALITY. While his PIZZAZZ stat isn't particularly impressive, you were the one who didn't bother allocating any STAT POINTS before leaving.

With your currently inferior PIZZAZZ, you can't help but buy a MAC under his recommendation. You walk out of Bestbuy, your wallet two thousand GIBBERIAN DOLLARS lighter.

INVENTORY UPDATED:
+1 MAC COMPUTER

FINANCES UPDATED:
-2000 GIBBERIAN DOLLARS

Use the new Mac to watch Magical Girl Witch Detective fanime episodes.

If you got a warranty on that piece of shit throw it off a roof and get your money back....I mean maybe that thing should have an "accident" and become "accidentally damaged" and you can be compensated for your "loss"

Or just shove the entire thing up your horrendously giant anus.

Meanwhile you still need steaks. Steak is a manly food so my next suggestion is Mens Warehouse... It's got Men in the name it has to sell manly things like steak!

>Use the new Mac to watch Magical Girl Witch Detective fanime episodes.
That sounds like a great idea! You begin setting up the MAC in front of Bestbuy and quickly realize this is a desktop model. You're gonna need a power supply to use this damn thing. While you could use MAGIC to create a power supply, you have neither the SPELLS nor the WIT to do so at this time.

>If you got a warranty on that piece of shit throw it off a roof and get your money back....I mean maybe that thing should have an "accident" and become "accidentally damaged" and you can be compensated for your "loss"
>Or just shove the entire thing up your horrendously giant anus.
>Meanwhile you still need steaks. Steak is a manly food so my next suggestion is Mens Warehouse... It's got Men in the name it has to sell manly things like steak!

Why wouldn't you buy the warranty? This thing, LOATHE as you are to admit it, is BETTER than your home computer. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it.

You don't have a horrendously giant anus, so you store the computer in the next best thing, your INVENTORY, for safekeeping.

You run off to Men's Warehouse, seeking steaks. Coincidentally, they've got a pretty good deal going on. Buy two products at half price, and get two free steaks included!

You speak to the salesperson, whom is simply oozing PIZZAZZ. While he doesn't utilize his PIZZAZZ against you like some other salesperson, he makes sure to give you the prices for the 50% off items.

Your wallet contains 7999 GIBBERIAN DOLLARS, making you effectively able to buy ALL the discount suits, but as cool as that would be, that's quite a lot of spending don't you think?

You can buy:

- ENFORCER'S ATTIRE for $500. You have a feeling this would raise your VIGOR skill stat.

- BLU SPY'S PINSTRIPED SUIT for $400. You have a feeling this would raise your KNACK stat.

- PROFESSOR'S PERSONALS for $600. You have a feeling this would raise your WIT stat.

- BUSINESS CASUAL for $500. You have a feeling this would raise your PIZZAZZ stat.

- JUMPSUIT OF THE AVIAN COMMANDING OFFICER for $1000. This will definitely raise your VIGOR and KNACK stats. The bonuses seem to be constrained to use in BADASS actions, however.

- HELMET OF THE AVIAN COMMANDING OFFICER for $1000. This will definitely raise your WIT AND PIZZAZZ stats. The bonuses seem to be constrained to use in BADASS actions, however.

Or, you can always just buy nothing and try shopping for steaks somewhere else.

What is your chosen course of action?

You buy the business Casual and Professors Personal. Man looks good in suits.

Business Casual, you need more PIZZAZZ of your own.

>You buy the business Casual and Professors Personal. Man looks good in suits.

Of course! You spend 1100 GIBBERIAN DOLLARS acquiring the two suits, and as a bonus, your two steaks.

You sprint home, dumping your steaks into the freezer before making a mad dash into your room to set up your new computer and store your new suits.

HOME UPDATE:

COMPUTER UPGRADED TO LEVEL 2!

FINANCES UPDATE:

-1100 GIBBERIAN DOLLARS

STAT POINTS EARNED!
YOU HAVE 45 STAT POINTS TO SPEND!

YOUR CURRENT STATS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

VIG: 0
KNK: 0
WIT: 0
PIZ: 0

What is your chosen course of action?

You put 10 points on each stat. Save the other five for a rainy day.

>You put 10 points on each stat. Save the other five for a rainy day.

Having balanced yourself out to 10 points in all stats, you have unlocked the TITLE of JACK OF EVERY TRADE. It exists purely as a GAMING ABSTRACTION stored on your COMPUTER, along with your STATUS PAGE.

With your current stats, you have now unlocked:

Action: FIGHT
Action: FLEE
Skill: POWER ATTACK
Skill: RAPID ATTACK
Skill: MAGICAL FOCUSES
Skill: CHARM

Focus: REVOLVER

With the ability to initiate combat, your MOTIVATION and CONCENTRATION stats have become available! These stats cannot receive any STAT POINTS, but they are influenced by OTHER stats.

MOTIVATION: 200%
CONCENTRATION: 200%

Because you are pretty much IMMORTAL, an abstract concept such as HIT POINTS doesn't really work for you. So when it comes to battle, as you take damage, you lose MOTIVATION. When your MOTIVATION hits 0%, you'll be forced to run! A good night's sleep can restore your motivation by 100%. Seriously. Short of COMPLETE DISMEMBERMENT, something the heroes sure as hell don't have the guts to do, you're golden!

Performing any and all skills or spells costs CONCENTRATION. While you're sure the phrase MAGIC POINTS works in this situation, CONCENTRATION is restored when a skill finishes its cooldown. In other words, so long as you time your skills properly, you should never run out of CONCENTRATION.

Following up on an IDEA you had earlier, you go ONLINE and search for a fanime of MAGICAL GIRL WITCH DETECTIVE. Since the show was just canceled today, there is an understandable lack of fan continuations going on. One group of people from the forum community MEIJISEVENTEEN has started WRITING a plot and script for a fanime, but you refuse to SPOIL the story for yourself, fanime or not. You'll WAIT and WATCH the episodes as they come out.

Currently at home, you can:

- GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, ending the DAY.
- Check your COMPLETE STATUS PAGE.
- Plan acts of VILLAINY for the next DAY.
- Ask your journal of EXPOSITION a single question.
- Consult Florian. She specializes in MINION MANAGEMENT and SHIPPING.
- Work to obtain LEGITIMATE MONEY.
- Check your list of OBJECTIVES.
- Other.

What is your chosen course of action?

Plan act of Villainy obviously, these assholes cancelled your favorite show, they deserve punishment!

>Plan act of Villainy obviously, these assholes cancelled your favorite show, they deserve punishment!

Well yeah, it was clearly a PLOT by a certain group of HEROES whom you cannot name without vast strings of PROFANITY.

You haven't done this in a while, so you settle on performing a simple EXTORTION RACKET. You usually threaten the victim with VIOLENCE, but since most citizens are aware of your CRAZY ASS POWERS, you don't actually have to break your CODE OF HONOR regarding HARMING NONCOMBATANTS. However, if they try to FIGHT you, much like stabbings, it's fair game.

To prepare in advance, you take stock of your current EQUIPMENT, ITEMS, and SPELLS.
If you intend to swap anything out, now would be the time.

WEAPONS:

- Black Leather Gloves [EQUIPPED] ATK: 1, CON: 10%, WAIT: 1

CLOTHES:

- Standard Business Suit - DEF: 2

- Tight Workout Outfit [EQUIPPED] DEF: 1, INIT: 1

- Professor's Personals - DEF: 2, WIT: 1

- Business Casual - DEF: 2, PIZ: 1

ITEMS
(You may carry up to five items during VILLAINY.)

- Steaks x2 - MOT: 20%

SPELLS
(You may equip up to three. Teleport is mandatory for a weak VILLAIN)

- Aqua I - Allows manipulation of fluids. Maximum volume based on spell level.

- Bolt I - Allows generation of electric currents. Maximum voltage based on spell level.

- Blaze I [EQUIPPED] Allows ignition of magical flames. Maximum temperature based on spell level.

- Blast I - Allows creation of magical explosives. Maximum radius based on spell level.

- Shadows I - Allows manipulation of shadows, includes hiding. Maximum duration based on level.

- Tea I, II, III, IV, V [EQUIPPED] Fills any cup on hand with tea. Maximum quality based on spell level.

- Teleport I, II, III [MANDATORY] Allows the user to teleport a designated target. Maximum range based on spell level.

What will you pick for this daring act of VILLAINY? If you're unsure you always can CANCEL the plans. Nobody will think less of you for it.

Blast, Tea and Teleport, and wear your brand new Business casual suit, nothing will look classier than you causing explosions while drinking tea and when said heroes show up you can just leave cryptic warnings and teleport away. Now is not yet time to make your demands about the show, just stir things up a bit first and make them ask you for your demands.

>Blast, Tea and Teleport, and wear your brand new Business casual suit, nothing will look classier than you causing explosions while drinking tea and when said heroes show up you can just leave cryptic warnings and teleport away. Now is not yet time to make your demands about the show, just stir things up a bit first and make them ask you for your demands.

Upon picking your EQUIPMENT, ITEMS, and SPELLS, you request Florian to iron your BUSINESS CASUAL suit for tomorrow morning. There's VILLAINY afoot!

You make a mental note to take a CUP with you, because unless you plan on using the REVOLVER FOCUS, there's no other way to use the TEA SPELL.

Now that you've planned your VILLAINY for tomorrow, you can perform two more ACTIONS before having to GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. What is your chosen course of action?

Talk with Florian, try sweet talking her into a false sense of security and one day when she doesn't expect it you'll get your stab on with her for that judging stare...

>Talk with Florian, try sweet talking her into a false sense of security and one day when she doesn't expect it you'll get your stab on with her for that judging stare...

You attempt to WOO Florian with your newly upgraded PIZZAZZ. Unsurprisingly, you cannot WOO someone you've already WOOED, intentionally or otherwise. She gets quite excited by your ADVANCES and goddammit, there goes the ROMANTIC MUSIC. You evade her AMOROUS HUG and retaliate with a PLATONIC KISS ON THE HAND. Having satiated Florian's need for ROMANTIC TENSION, you proceed to try and have a discussion. But about what? You don't have enough MONEY to hire MINIONS at this time, and the last time you talked to her about SHIPPING, you were bombarded with her THINLY VEILED FANTASIES of you two becoming a COUPLE.

You considered writing a shitty SMUTFIC on the subject as a form of passive-aggressive behavior, but you stumbled onto a story ONLINE that was WORD FOR WORD what you planned to write.

You attempt to SNEAK away, but without SHADOW, Florian easily performs an ATTACK OF OPPORTUNITY, hugging you from behind. If this isn't violating your personal space, you don't know what is. It seems you somehow provoked a SHIPPING CONVERSATION.

QUICK, HEAD VOICES! FIND SOMETHING CLASSY AND WITTY TO SAY BEFORE ESCAPING!

Panic and blurt out some sort of emergency situation such as "I have to go my pet lemur is on fire and he's running around the neighborhood!" She will either believe that or be so confused that it will daze her for a short while and allow you to get away, either way it's the obvious choice for a solid getaway.