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|Subject: |:|:♥:|:|Why does it even matter? |:|:♥:|:| Sat Apr 07, 2012 2:26 am|| |
Okay, so, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm at a loss for words and attempts to get over my fears of the past and everything present. I wish I knew what to do. At this point, I feel like everything I try will be in vain.
Lately, things with my step-father are still not going like they should be. He still acts like he's trying to push me away and act like I don't exist. It's stressful and I can't emotionally handle trying to please him or mend the relationship between him and I much longer at this point.
Tied in with the ongoing stress of my step-father, things between Panda and I are not much better. I' m afraid at this point to even try and tell him about my emotions and how I'm feeling. I feel like it's a wasted effort. I'm afraid that if I even cry, (I've been crying a lot more lately then even when my PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) was flaring up at the worse, and afraid to tell him. I'm afraid to cry in front of him because I don't want him to feel he isn't any help or like I don't appreciate him. I'm afraid he'll get upset because I'm so depressed and emotionally crushed lately. I broke down crying a few nights ago, I was talking to J at the time I broke down, Which, J, Thank you by the way for being there and if anything paying attention to everything.
I was too afraid to wake up Jon in fear he would be upset at me. I tried my best to keep silent and finally decided I would try and sleep away the tears. So much for that, I cried even harder and had an anxiety attack. Jon woke up and held me and tried to calm me down. He succeeded for the most part. I'm afraid he won't always show he cares like this though. I feel like I'm becoming a nuisance to him. I don't want to bother him, but lately, I've been needing extra attention, far more then I ever have. I've been alone through out the day left to tend to myself and prepare things for him for when he gets home from work. I don't like being home by myself. Too many memories and fears reside with the term "alone" and it frightens me.
I hate it here for so many reasons. I feel like I sit here waiting to spend time with the person who has meant the most in my earthly life, and then only wait to be confronted with the reality that other things are on his mind. Not me. I feel like maybe I'm being far too clingy. Why should I care i he comes home and wants to relax and spend his time at home on the computer playing games and chatting with friends? Who am I to take that away from him? Who am I to take away this privilege from him when he has the day off from work and wants to spend it enjoying his time on the internet or playing games? He deserves it. Right? I feel like maybe I'm being too selfish and letting my fears and depression get to me. I don't know. I just.... I wish I could spend time with him and have just me and him time at least every once and a while.
I have enjoyed the few times we have taken small walks with each other these past few weeks. All the times we walk over to the horse pastures and pick out which of the equines have the most unique and fascinating color patterns. I enjoy it. I don't think he shares that same enjoyment though... I feel like I'm being a pest to ask him to go on those walks with me... I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish there was a simple solution to this feeling and all these problems.... I want him to be happy. If he's not happy with me, I want him to find that happiness and hold it close...I just don't want him to be upset and frustrated any longer. Or depressed because he feels like he means nothing. He means the world to me. I just wish he would see it. I wish he would allow that world to stay longer and not vanish when I need it most.... I just want him to be happy and enjoy his life and be happy with who he is. If that means someone else, then fine, I don't care. As long as they treat him right. I know he isn't seeing anyone while he's with me. I thank God for that every day. However, if he'll be happy with someone else, I wish he would...
Demon Slayer (posted it to death)
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|Subject: Re: |:|:♥:|:|Why does it even matter? |:|:♥:|:| Tue Apr 10, 2012 2:47 pm|| |
To start things off, i don't think it is so wrong for you to want to spend more time with the one you love. I think that is only a natural feeling and when you can't or feel that you are being ignored for whatever reason, true or not, it hurts all the same.
I know that things with your step-dad have been up and down and that only serves to make other problems worse. With so many issues swimming through your head right now, maybe it is best to focus on only one at a time. If nothing else, you can always contact me and i'll be more then willing to listen and try to be a comfort. ~hug~ I hope things get better for you and will keep you in prayer