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|Subject: I need an opinion on this passage from my book. Wed Oct 12, 2011 12:12 pm|| |
Here's a passage from a few chapters into my book. I'm worried it's not how I wanted it to come out, so if you guys could review this for me, that'd be great. Note that the bits where the characters are thinking are normally in italics, but aren't, here.
She nodded and closed her eyes, “Thank you… to think I might still be… in Yazth’s…”
Her sentence dissolved into a low sob. Draezeth quickly and nervously rubbed her shoulder, “Don’t think about that… you’re free, and you’re going to stay free if I can say anything about it.”
A hiccup shook her body, and she stayed silent of a long time. Eventually, the hippogriff riders left the clearing, and the others with them. The sun was touching the edge of the trees in the distance before she broke the silence again, “Draezeth…”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Draezeth’s heart rate shot through the roof. “I… You… I… Hm…” He stammered uncontrollably for several seconds before regaining control, “I don’t know what to say… I understand… where… well… Don’t you think you should wait before deciding something as important as love?”
She didn’t stir or answer for a worryingly long time. When she responded, the sky was losing its orange hue to dusky purple, “Maybe you’re right. You’re the first boy I’ve met in years… I could just be rushing into this… But what do you think of me?”
What do I think of her… thought Draezeth, She’s suffered more than I can imagine… I’ve only met her yesterday, and yet I already feel this… need to make her happy, to erase the hardships she’s been through… I want to see her smile more than anything… but I’ve only known her for a day! Why is she already so important to me? “Why not love Stian? He’s much more handsome than me, and I’m sure he’d readily devote himself to make you happy, too… He and I are a lot alike.”
“But you already do that. And you are handsome.”
“But not as much as him…”
“You aren’t answering my question.”
She’s important to me… I want to make her happy… I don’t know how, but in one day I already want to devote my life to her…
He was silent for a few more seconds, “I love you too…”
During this exchange, neither of them had moved, but now Alixa took her head off of Draezeth’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes. Hers were moist, and in them Draezeth could see every star in the darkening sky reflected.
A lump rose in his throat. He was sure they wanted the same thing now. He closed his eyes and slowly leaned forward. He hesitated about halfway through. Are you sure about this, Drae? Are you ready to dedicate your life to her already? But he already knew the answer. Of course I do.
Alixa’s lips locked with his, and in that moment he felt a stronger surge of emotions than he ever had in his entire life. He’d loved his father for as long as he could remember, and he’d had small bouts of affection for Helia before, but both of those were completely different from what he felt now.
The love for his father was a love of gratefulness and loyalty to the man who had raised and loved him since his mother had died when he was young. The affection he’d felt once for Helia was an attraction to her pretty features, and an admiration of her friendly and caring nature.
These feelings paled in comparison with the passion of this moment, this kiss. In one motion, one touch, Draezeth felt the need to devote his life to her grow even stronger. Every breath her took would be taken for her. He swore a silent oath to protect each her forever from harm, from pain, from sadness, from hatred, from death.
But in addition to this newfound resolve, Draezeth felt a burning passion to end the war in Taekarea. He vowed to create a peaceful world for Alixa.
At the same time, Alixa’s desire to be with him burned. She would go to Hell and back with him, and would follow him to the grave if need be. She would protect him as best as she could, and would support him whenever he stumbled.
All of this went through their minds in less than a second. Their lips parted, and their eyes met for just long enough to see the passion in each other’s eyes, before Draezeth wrapped his arms around Alixa and pressed his lips to hers again.
Draezeth had thought of kissing before. He’d thought of love, and what would happen when he truly found it. This wasn’t what he expected at all. The sensation of her lips against his was all he longed for in this moment. He wanted this feeling to last forever. He wanted them to remain in this position until the day they died.
Alixa’s hands ran along Draezeth’s strong back. She leaned forward and felt him give way and fall on his back. She lay on the grass, half on his chest, ardent love burning in her heart. The years she spent locked away melted away when faced by this heat, and she felt as though those years had been spent exactly as she was now, locked in loving embrace with Draezeth.
They pulled apart a second time. Alixa felt a surge of something else rush through her body. A need for something other than a kiss. She reached for the shoulder of her dress, but Draezeth put his hand on hers, “No. Not yet.”
Alixa was confused. What was wrong? “Is something the matter?”
“We’ve only just fallen in love. Don’t let lust taint it.”
“Lust? What’s that?” she had never heard this word before.
Draezeth was instantly reminded of her years in the dungeon, “It’s a sin. When a man and woman come together in their flesh without the bonds of marriage.”
Come together in their flesh? She didn’t quite understand the concept, but started to make a little sense, “I think… I understand… So this urge I’m getting…?”
“It’s lust. Don’t give in to it.” Draezeth sat up and held his arms around her, “But don’t worry about it. We’re in love, and that’s all that matters.”
Alixa nodded. She smiled and said, a little timidly, “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life…”
“Maybe you have,” said Draezeth spontaneously, “The day you escaped from Yazth, you were born again. Delivered directly into my arms.
She smiled and surrendered her lips to him again.
- Quote :
“Only after the last tree has been cut down,-Cree Indian Prophecy
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you realise that money cannot be eaten.”