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 Darc's Dead Chat Shitty Storytime!

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Darc
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PostSubject: Darc's Dead Chat Shitty Storytime!   Tue Jul 09, 2013 6:06 am

So, for those of you who don't receive my spamtacular shitty doodles in swapnotes, I'll make my announcement again. Due to me having some business during wildly inactive hours (8 AM - 10 AM), I'll be attempting to write a story a day. The quality of the stories may and likely will vary greatly from one to another, but the goal isn't a masterpiece a day, just a story. I'll save them here, especially the really shitty ones, for the people who don't wanna read up or missed it after a chat clear.

8/7/13

[08:29:25 08/07/13] @ Darc : Alrighty, so there's this guy.
[08:30:12 08/07/13] @ Darc : He's called 'Cat' by me, however his actual name is JUMPANSHOOTMAN.
[08:31:01 08/07/13] @ Darc : He embarked on an epic quest to defeat the eight ROBOT MASTERS and restore peace to the worlds.
[08:31:46 08/07/13] @ Darc : He started out his journey by challenging a ROBOT MASTER by the name of GUTSMAN.
[08:32:13 08/07/13] @ Darc : Now back in the day, GUTSMAN worked in the industry of construction.
[08:33:18 08/07/13] @ Darc : That was until he realized that he and his fellow robots weren't organized as a union, and as such, were being given worse working conditions compared to their human co-workers.
[08:33:59 08/07/13] @ Darc : This can't possibly have anything to do with them being robots, therefore making conditions lethal to humans optimal for their deployment.
[08:34:12 08/07/13] @ Darc : Couldn't possibly be it.
[08:35:00 08/07/13] @ Darc : But anywho, they violated the "LAWS OF ROBOTICS" an abstract code of laws that doesn't really make room for the idea that robots might eventually gain sentience.
[08:35:44 08/07/13] @ Darc : You see, apparently, going on strike is a direct violation of the law that dictates that a robot must always follow orders.
[08:36:31 08/07/13] @ Darc : Sounds kinda stupid if you ask me, but that's just my opinion. You're free to make your own.
[08:37:43 08/07/13] @ Darc : But yes, JUMPANSHOOTMAN heard about these violations of the LAWS OF ROBOTICS and immediately rushed to go meet with GUTSMAN who was staging a sit in at the BIGASS CONSTRUCTION COMPANY.
[08:38:59 08/07/13] @ Darc : When GUTSMAN saw JUMPANSHOOTMAN, he panicked, thinking the ENFORCERS were going to decommission him for attempting to give robots an equal share in the field of construction.
[08:40:15 08/07/13] @ Darc : So he did what came naturally, and shouted at JUMPANSHOOTMAN "YOU'RE A DIRTY ASS NIGGA!"
[08:41:16 08/07/13] @ Darc : Offended by this insult to the cleanliness of his native tribe, the ASS NIGGAS, JUMPANSHOOTMAN jumped, then shot GUTSMAN in the face, killing him instantly.

STUFF THAT WASN'T STORYTELLING GOES HERE

[09:57:59 08/07/13] @ Darc : We last left off with JUMPANSHOOTMAN defeating GUTSMAN via JUMPING AND SHOOTING.
[09:59:01 08/07/13] @ Darc : Through STRENGTH OF THE HEART to face ONE'S ORDEALS he has obtained the FACADE needed to FACE LIFE, the ability: GUTS MUSCLE.
[10:00:19 08/07/13] @ Darc : As such, he is now after CUTMAN, a rabid Pac-Man fan turned into a robot.
[10:00:40 08/07/13] @ Darc : And oh lawdy, this connection is shit.
[10:01:03 08/07/13] @ Darc : Fuckit, I'll take an extra five minutes.
[10:01:46 08/07/13] @ Darc : So, he JUMPS into CUTMAN'S domain, SHOOTING all along the way. The LACK OF FUCKS he is giving are PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.
[10:02:46 08/07/13] @ Darc : STARTLED by JUMPANSHOOTMAN'S BRIGHT BLUE armor, CUTMAN goes FULL RETARD and proceeds to loudly shout "WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!" for approximately SEVENTEEN MINUTES and FORTY EIGHT SECONDS.
[10:03:58 08/07/13] @ Darc : CUTMAN then attempts to fire his PAC-MAN BOOMERANG at JUMPANSHOOTMAN only for it to be EASILY EVADED.
[10:04:53 08/07/13] @ Darc : As CUT-MAN attempts to CRY HIMSELF to sleep over how SHITTY a boss he is, JUMPANSHOOTMAN equips his GUTS MUSCLE.
[10:05:22 08/07/13] @ Darc : Using his new FREAKISHLY GIRTHY MUSCLES, JUMPANSHOOTMAN punches CUTMAN in the dick.
[10:05:24 08/07/13] @ Darc : The end.
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Darc
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PostSubject: Re: Darc's Dead Chat Shitty Storytime!   Tue Jul 09, 2013 4:32 pm

9/7/13

Let's Slay a Dragon!

Color of the Day: Red

[08:33:00 09/07/13] @ Darc : So, time for a new shitty story
[08:35:19 09/07/13] @ Darc : Darc and Florian were mucking about Sala Manor in their usual dazed stupor, likely due to a deficiency of magnetic strips in their diet.
[08:36:25 09/07/13] @ Darc : Now because this story isn't a huge advertisement for Shredded Credit Flakes, they won't be having any, and well, their deficiency of magnetic strips will solve itself later.
[08:38:19 09/07/13] @ Darc : The mere thought of not having some shredded credit card cereal disappointed Darc greatly, but he figured he could just do something relevant to the plot.
[08:41:05 09/07/13] @ Darc : "You know Florian, while having a deficiency of magnetic strips in our diet is quite tiring and potentially fatal, I figure I can just do something relevant to the plot." Darc said, attempting to avoid making it painfully obvious that he was just reading the narration subtitles.
[08:43:01 09/07/13] @ Darc : Florian replied to her master with a nod of approval.
[08:43:28 09/07/13] @ Darc : Sometimes, a single bodily gesture speaks more than dialogue.
[08:44:53 09/07/13] @ Darc : Or sometimes, a single body gesture can say "You know Darc, I aggree with what you said."
[08:46:06 09/07/13] @ Darc : 'It saves a whole lot of words.' Thought Darc as he thought about how many words someone could phase out by using body language.
[08:48:20 09/07/13] @ Darc : And hoo boy, this story is redundant.
[08:49:02 09/07/13] @ Darc : Darc and Florian offended by the Narrator's honest opinion, decide to actually work towards the plot.
[08:52:48 09/07/13] @ Darc : But something odd happened!
[08:53:03 09/07/13] @ Darc : Everywhere they went, there was no plot to be found!
[08:53:37 09/07/13] @ Darc : Not even from the local tavern owner!
[08:55:52 09/07/13] @ Darc : They fell back onto their final line of for plot gathering, the local Adventurer's Guild.
[08:58:16 09/07/13] @ Darc : ^^Obvious typo is obvious.
[08:59:36 09/07/13] @ Darc : The dynamic duo, armed with the finest in Noob-Tier Equipment, approached the Quest Counter expecting a job to go picking recovery herbs or some shit.
[09:02:10 09/07/13] @ Darc : They then got a relatively high paying job slaying aa dragon that was fourteen quest ranks too difficult for them.
[09:03:20 09/07/13] @ Darc : Turns out, all the actually competent adventurers were either away doing other quests or on vacation.
[09:04:13 09/07/13] @ Darc : "This should suffice for pursuing a plot." said Florian as her master took his turn to nod in agreement.
[09:04:53 09/07/13] @ Darc : So they went to go slay a dragon!
[09:05:58 09/07/13] @ Darc : Catapulted into the dragon's den, they readied their respective nooby weapons and got to work.
[09:07:17 09/07/13] @ Darc : Gather a few miscellaneous supplies here, bitch slap a crazy strong dragon there.
[09:07:29 09/07/13] @ Darc : There's a natural progression to questing, after all.
[09:09:08 09/07/13] @ Darc : After gathering ALL the recovery herbs, they rushed into the region of the den where the dragon had set up its nest.
[09:10:58 09/07/13] @ Darc : Upon entering, Darc was blasted with the dragon's level 250 fire breath and promptly had all of his equipment and inventory incinerated.
[09:11:46 09/07/13] @ Darc : He was fine in himself, thanks to a racial bonus of +100% fire absorption.
[09:14:34 09/07/13] @ Darc : So the naked Darc did pretty much all he was good for at the time and did pelvic thrusts at the dragon to draw aggro from it and keep it from oneshotting Florian with that crazy ass fire breath.
[09:16:59 09/07/13] @ Darc : Florian, being the party Ranger and being too broke ass a nigga to afford anything other than a slingshot, fired rocks at the dragon.
[09:17:47 09/07/13] @ Darc : While these rocks did little in the way of damage, it reminded the dragon of its childhood trauma at the hands of rock-chucking bullies.
[09:19:08 09/07/13] @ Darc : Doing a mental damage crit of 999999999999 damage, the dragon was reduced to a sobbing mess.
[09:21:33 09/07/13] @ Darc : Using the power of FREUDIAN PSYCHOLOGY, Darc converted the mental damage to physical damage through the might of how much bullshit was leaving his mouth.
[09:22:06 09/07/13] @ Darc : The dragon quickly died due to a horrid allergic reaction to FREUDIAN PSYCHOLOGY and died.
[09:23:02 09/07/13] @ Darc : "You know, you dropped the ball there. According to you, the dragon died twice!"
[09:27:03 09/07/13] @ Darc : Because the narrator isn't paid to take this kinda bullshit, Darc was given 25% quest contribution, a metaphorical iceburg to his ego, which for the sake of metaphors is like the Titanic, only because this is some snarky jerkbag who's mean to the narrator, it's like the no-as-cool-Titanic.
[09:30:21 09/07/13] @ Darc : And that's that for now.
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PostSubject: Re: Darc's Dead Chat Shitty Storytime!   Thu Jul 11, 2013 6:26 am

10/7/13
MASS DEFUNCT 2: A Multi-Day Writing Project!

[08:33:20 10/07/13] @ Darc : So, we begin our story with the Normandy getting attacked by an oddly phallic ship.
[08:34:51 10/07/13] @ Darc : Because Joker was busy trying to find a cheeto that he dropped under the controls, he refused to evacuate.
[08:36:15 10/07/13] @ Darc : AND COMMANDER SHEPARD CAUGHT THE DED.
[08:36:49 10/07/13] @ Darc : So, after a few closeups of some random chicks ass, and speaking of asses, I'll bet mine she's a romance option, we
[08:37:41 10/07/13] @ Darc : *we're forced to watch a cutscene that may or may not involve Shepard coming back from the dead.
[08:39:06 10/07/13] @ Darc : So, after getting drugged by a bald loser, Shep wakes up over 9000 years in the future with the station he's in currently under attack by the Reapers.
[08:42:09 10/07/13] @ Darc : So, Shep is ordered by the voice over the intercom to grab a PISTOLE and get to shooting some Reapers.
[08:43:23 10/07/13] @ Darc : Upon seeing the lack of a THERMAL CLIP in his newfound PISTOLE, Shepard makes guttural roars of disapproval.
[08:44:07 10/07/13] @ Darc : "PISTOL HAVE NO THERMAL CLIP!" he shouts, attempting to break the intercom with the unloaded pistol.


A WHOLE LOAD OF SHIT HAPPENS THAT ISN'T PART OF THE STORY HERE.

[22:55:55 10/07/13] @ Darc : So, resuming the story from earlier...
[22:56:25 10/07/13] @ Darc : COMMANDAH SHEPARD was going apeshit on the intercom due to a lack of thermal clips.
[22:58:15 10/07/13] @ Darc : Because he was preoccupied with attempting to smash the intercom, he didn't notice the door exploding next to his face.
[22:59:32 10/07/13] @ Darc : Blaming this all on the woman on the intercom, Shep moves forth to extract his very Parenegade revenge on her, involving climbing both moral ladders in equal values.
[23:00:12 10/07/13] @ Darc : He then met a black man.
[23:00:36 10/07/13] @ Darc : Seeing as he didn't know anyone other than Anderson that was black, it HAD to be Anderson.
[23:01:32 10/07/13] @ Darc : "ANDERSON. Y U IN CERBUS UNIFORM?" Shepard inquired to his comrade of african descent.
[23:02:45 10/07/13] @ Darc : "Shepard? I thought you were still a work in progress. They clearly didn't get your brain to a level capable of coherent speech yet." 'Anderson' replied.
[23:03:55 10/07/13] @ Darc : Shepard stared at this black man that was clearly his old friend, Donald Anderson, with amazement.
[23:04:22 10/07/13] @ Darc : He never knew Anderson was a biotic!
[23:05:38 10/07/13] @ Darc : Anderson preceded to make an offhand remark about "Pissing in dark pants", but it didn't have enough explosions, so the COMMANDAH didn't really care.
[23:07:25 10/07/13] @ Darc : He then stood in front of several hundred security robots and shouted "GO GO GO! YOU MUST DIE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!" as he unleashed a biotic shitstorm only comparable to that of a Biotic God Volus.
[23:08:07 10/07/13] @ Darc : The poorly made LOKI mechs didn't stand a chance against his mighty and potentially gamebreaking Biotic Charge.
[23:09:21 10/07/13] @ Darc : And then he and Anderson fucked off to go meet a bald loser with a bad case of "Capped a Bitch in the Knees".
[23:10:09 10/07/13] @ Darc : Together, they formed the SUPER ADVENTURE SQUAD PLUS CAPPED BITCH.
[23:10:31 10/07/13] @ Darc : And then they met a woman with a huge ass.
[23:11:09 10/07/13] @ Darc : This ass was so massive, it threatened to crush the universe with a single broken wind.
[23:11:49 10/07/13] @ Darc : Naturally, asses this massive have to be the work of reaper tech, fitting, considering Reapers were attacking the station.
[23:12:44 10/07/13] @ Darc : So before anyone had a chance to say anything on the matter, Shepard used his Biotic Charge to launch the the Bootyhemoth out the airlock.
[23:14:16 10/07/13] @ Darc : Not sure what to say about this anymore, Anderson and Capped Bitch ran into the nearest escape transport.
[23:15:49 10/07/13] @ Darc : Shep used his Biotic Charge to get in, because running is for losers who didn't take the Vanguard Package.
[23:16:48 10/07/13] @ Darc : They then beat feet to Omega for a couple of Asari lapdancers and cheap drinks.
[23:17:53 10/07/13] @ Darc : Upon arriving, a rather ornery Batarian attempted to recruit them into his religion.
[23:18:54 10/07/13] @ Darc : Before Shepard had a chance to agree to spreading the good word on how humans are a blight on the universe for this great prophet, the Batarian was killed by a 1337 h43d5h07.
[23:19:57 10/07/13] @ Darc : A single Turian, armed with the shittiest sniper rifle in existence, stood before the Super Adventure Squad Plus Crippled Bitch.
[23:20:54 10/07/13] @ Darc : "Shepard-Sama! You look great! It's almost as though you changed your hair, face, and entire body!" The Turian shouted with a sickening, idolizing glee.
[23:21:57 10/07/13] @ Darc : "You know this guy, Shepard?" Anderson said as he attempted to hold back Crippled Bitch's screams of pain.
[23:22:49 10/07/13] @ Darc : "TURIAN KILLED BLIGHT MAN."


BEGIN DAY TWO

[22:34:35 11/07/13] @ Darc : "That didn't even answer the question." Anderson replied, wondering how this partially braindead chump was able to use biotics without his head blowing up or something.
[22:35:30 11/07/13] @ Darc : The Turian removed his helmet before sprinting at Shepard.
[22:37:00 11/07/13] @ Darc : "SHEPARD-SAMA! PLEASE ACCEPT MY FEELINGS!" he shouted as a theme for romantic/sexual tension from your favorite animu begins to play in the background.
[22:37:57 11/07/13] @ Darc : Shepard knew what game this was. He played it all the time back at home!
[22:38:40 11/07/13] @ Darc : "BIOTIC CHARGE!" Shepard shouted, crashing into the Turian with the force of a thousand suns.


DAY THREE

[08:26:38] @ Darc : "Yeah Shepard-Sama. I missed you too." The turian choked out.
[08:27:44] @ Darc : Despite being hit with the force of fourteen hundred newtons, he was taking it in stride and acting like he didn't take all that much damage.
[08:29:55] @ Darc : "TURIAN KILLED BLIGHT MAN."
[08:31:40] @ Darc : "It's okay, Shepard-Sama, that's just his sales pitch." The Turian began. "He was just going to sell you overpriced religious paraphernalia or something."
[08:32:24] @ Darc : Anderson took his turn to participate in the conversation.
[08:33:05] @ Darc : "He mentioned something about a plague in the lower wards. Know anything about that, Mr...?"
[08:33:44] @ Darc : "Garrus. Garrus Vakarian."
[08:35:54] @ Darc : "Well yes, Mr. Vakarian. Do you know anything about that plague?"
[08:36:53] @ Darc : "Well, it's come to be known as the 'Exodus' Plague. It ruins people's work ethics and makes them want to get loud and spill some drinks on the Citadel. Naturally, traffic to the Citadel has exploded as a result."
[08:42:35] @ Darc : "Anything else we should know?"
[08:43:10] @ Darc : "Well, the plag-"
[08:43:52] @ Darc : As Garrus opened his mouth to provide details to Anderson, he was slugged in the back of the head.
[08:45:58] @ Darc : "Shepard! What the hell?!" Anderson screamed out.
[08:46:26] @ Darc : "I'M TIRED OF HIS DISINGENUOUS ASSERTIONS."
[08:49:56] @ Darc : Leaving the now unconscious Garrus in an alleyway full of Vorcha, they seek out more info from locals on the Exodus Plague.
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