Darc Booty Warrior
Posts : 963 Friendliness : 1107 Reputation : 6 Join date : 2010-12-21 Age : 34 Location : The stall of an Olive Garden bathroom.
| Subject: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:10 am | |
| So, an ambitious project begins. Tell me what you honestly think. Chapter 1 - Original - Spoiler:
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
Chapter 1 - Rewritten - Spoiler:
Author’s Note: Special thanks to my friend Raven, “bloodytearz666” for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you’re the love of my depressing life. You rock too! My Chemical Romance Rocks!
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Hello! My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long black hair, my namesake, if you may. I’ve dyed my hair the colors of purple and red, which I personally believe to match very well with my icy, blue eyes. The shade’s quite unique. My friends often say they look like “limpid tears” and they somehow make me look like Amy Lee. I don’t know how. It just does.
I attempted to steal a glance of myself in a mirror placed in the Girl’s Dorms, but it quickly reminded me of exactly what I was. You see, I’m a vampire, so I don’t have a reflection. It’s a little taxing at times, especially when applying makeup, but I get by, somehow. Due to my “unique circumstances” I don’t get very much sun, leaving my skin extremely pale, to the point of people saying my skin is almost “snow white” in color.
Having some aptitude for magic, I became a student at Hogwarts, a magic academy in Scotland, and it’s apparently one of the three major centers of magical education in all of Europe. This is my seventh year here, if being seventeen wasn’t enough of an indicator.
Ashamed as I may be to say it, I’ve fallen in with the Gothic crowd. It mostly stems from my love of Hot Topic and the color black. Seriously. I buy pretty much all of my clothes from Hot topic. I won’t even bore you with telling you what I’m wearing today. This self-introduction’s been going on for far too long, as it stands.
The weather conditions around these parts can only be described as “abnormal.” Somehow, it was raining and snowing at the same time. This odd mixture of weather blocked out the sun, which is always fine. I’m not fond of sparkling like a disco ball, alright?
There were a ton of people staring at me, with disapproving and disgusted looks on their faces. It may have been the fact that I had chosen to garb myself like a common street whore, though let’s just toss logic out the window and say for all intents and purposes that it’s simply because they’re what I define as “preppy” people. Granted, in my world everything that isn’t gothic is preppy, but these people were definitely preppies, and they totally weren’t staring because a decent member of society wouldn’t dress the way I do.
For lack of an intelligent response to this staring, I simply raised my middle finger in the immediate direction of one group of people, despite the fact that they weren’t even staring.
Call it rude, but as it’s already been established, I’m not that well liked around here. More than likely because I tried to sort everything in the world into some semblance of a “Black and White Order System” with “Goths and Preps.” Across the vast expanse of the lawn in front of Hogwarts, I heard the all-too-familiar voice of Draco Malfoy calling me.
“Morning, Ebony!” He called, raising his hand into the air to get my attention.
Sadly, I couldn’t answer him back. I was late to class, and failing my final year in Hogwarts would be an utter disgrace. Pretending to not notice his call or wave, I walked into the castle that was Hogwarts to prepare for class.
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Well? Was this chapter good? Please give me your opinions, thanks in advance!
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J ➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
Posts : 3128 Friendliness : 2967 Reputation : 41 Join date : 2010-12-11 Age : 33 Location : Ohio, with all the other bat-shit insane Ohioans
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 7:59 am | |
| Even with your edits its still horrible but by no fault of your own. I actually read it without rage throwing my computer out the window and yelling "IN THE NAME OF GRAMMAR I REBUKE THEE!" though so you get thumbs up there. | |
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Zalty ➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
Posts : 3570 Friendliness : 3637 Reputation : 24 Join date : 2010-12-08 Age : 30 Location : Arkansas, usually
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:03 am | |
| Makes me think of our long-neglected Hogwarts RP... | |
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Preschooler Florian AFSDFHWEGWODJA
Posts : 1007 Friendliness : 1167 Reputation : 14 Join date : 2010-12-09 Age : 12 Location : Australia
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:08 am | |
| Yeah too bad dimbo is harly ever on. | |
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Zalty ➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
Posts : 3570 Friendliness : 3637 Reputation : 24 Join date : 2010-12-08 Age : 30 Location : Arkansas, usually
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:12 pm | |
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Darc Booty Warrior
Posts : 963 Friendliness : 1107 Reputation : 6 Join date : 2010-12-21 Age : 34 Location : The stall of an Olive Garden bathroom.
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:13 pm | |
| Alrighty, thanks for the review, J! (I'll reward it with a clothing description next chapter! ) Also, feel free to take up the torch and do a few chapters too, guys. 44 Chapters of this is really hard to proofread. | |
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J ➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
Posts : 3128 Friendliness : 2967 Reputation : 41 Join date : 2010-12-11 Age : 33 Location : Ohio, with all the other bat-shit insane Ohioans
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:42 am | |
| i don't know if i could....i mean i could try but a rage quit or two might occur
the story is horrible with or without the grammar issues and i just cant write horrible things (at least i hope you guys dont think my stuff is horrible or I've failed as a writer) | |
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Darc Booty Warrior
Posts : 963 Friendliness : 1107 Reputation : 6 Join date : 2010-12-21 Age : 34 Location : The stall of an Olive Garden bathroom.
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Thu Feb 16, 2012 2:45 am | |
| Yeah, the story is awful. It's been established by the world's finest scientific minds that a Hollywood movie of My Immortal would cause cataclysm on par with the "Great Blank" in PS-0. Besides, having multiple people writing it, good or bad in their own personal opinionI know for a fact that I'm an awful writer., would add variety to it. Hell. It could very well be a forum project if we all were to put our heads together.
And a ragequit or two? Hardly a problem. I'm taking things one chapter at a time, and if everyone gets on board with this, we'll have quite the line set up for people to wait their turn. That means everyone can have plenty of downtime to relax and stave off the rage. | |
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Aka ➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
Posts : 2887 Friendliness : 3235 Reputation : 88 Join date : 2012-03-02 Location : Everywhere o.O
| Subject: Re: My Immortal - Now with less Brain Cancer! Sat Mar 03, 2012 1:09 am | |
| In all honesty it still sucks, but you're right! Less brain cancer =D | |
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