The Fourth Day

Where blood is no thicker than water.
 
HomePortalCalendarSearchFAQMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in
"part of me prefers just thinking Links a dumbass. if i wanted to summon the apocalypse and destroy Hyrule id built a little fence around myself and theres not a god damn thing he can do about it" - Naomi
Welcome to the Fourth Day, where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right, the points are like Drae's opinion.
Colors are now freely available, PM Drae to ask him for yours!

Share | 
 

 Story i started many years ago

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Soulless Dragon
No-Life
No-Life
avatar

Posts : 892
Friendliness : 886
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2011-03-08
Age : 23
Location : The Underworld

PostSubject: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 12:09 pm

I started this many years ago and just remembered i have it still, aand please try to keep in mind i was like 12 at the time. Actually this isnt all of it, i dont know where the second chapter went......

Dragon Isle

Chapter 1

Tristan looked over the clear, blue lake and wondered how many times it had turned crimson in times of war. His aqua eyes mimicked the lake like his brown hair mimicked the loamy, fertile soil around it. He had always thought what it would be like in battle, he had never been in a full scale battle just minor raids. He knew he would find out in a month when the Northern Empire’s army - led by King Corandent - will march down to capture the Southern States: Linkjenk, Persifre and Claeyvulk. Tristan wondered what would happen if the Northern Empire took his home Lizeth – the capital of Linkjenk – but frankly he didn’t want to know. He then thought why would they be destroyed after 47 years of war.

* * *

The next day, Karra had to find Tristan, Karra was as tall as Tristan, with long, wavy, fair hair and hard, steel-like, emerald eyes. She was Tristan’s girlfriend and along side him a warrior with a good reputation at the age of 16 but, preferring a bow over, the more coveted sword or jacard (a long two-handed sword-like object with a double-edged blade and an axe head-like object three quarters of the way up). Karra knew that he was camping in the serene area around Lake Tresele for army and naval combat training. She was going to join them the next day and would depart at noon.

At dawn Karra woke up and had a breakfast of milk and bread. She then got dressed into her own armor that was passed down to her by her mother (who disappeared after her reconnaissance team went missing presumed dead or captured then returned to Lizeth for a day 9 years later to place the 1 year old Karra into the orphanage then disappeared that night), which consisted of a steel helmet with a visor, a steel plate body, a steel plate skirt, steel-backed gloves and dragon skin leggings (dragonskin being impenetrable and not been used since the dragons have been presumed extinct) to protect her legs. For weaponry Karra put on a medium sized quiver with 2 dozen arrows and her handcrafted strung bow especially designed for her on her left hip and a short sword in a sheath on her right.

She then saddled and armored up her horse named Bervel and rode towards the north in a whirl of dust. It would take two days to reach Lake Tresele and Karra had packed accordingly with cheese, bread, meat and water to keep her surviving for the few days of journey that she had ahead of her. Karra also had flint and a small axe for chopping firewood.

When Karra was close to the camp her arrival was accompanied by whistles, astonishment and anger and it was all because she was a female in a camp full of male soldiers. She rode around for a while until she found the captain of the Special Forces unit.
“Where is Tristan?” Karra asked.
“Practising battle, where you should be”, answered the captain.
“What do you mean?” Karra questioned.
“As of today you’re recruited into the Special Forces unit alongside Tristan”.
Karra just stood there looking bewildered and the captain continued.
“I see that you are wearing your mother’s armor so I won’t have to give you the standard issued armor that everyone receives upon entering the army, you may not realize this but you are the third female to ever be recruited into the army; you, your mother and her sister”.
“Her sister, you mean I have an aunt in the army and no-one ever told me!”
“She died beside your mother”.
Karra walked off to look for Tristan, she found him training on who she guessed was people of different units with wooden sticks carved into the shape of swords. From what she could she it was three against Tristan alone and Tristan was winning. He parried the blows and then hit one of them on hip and the man reeled back then as he turned his back Tristan ran directly for him and grabbed his head from behind and slammed the soldier face first into the ground. He then ducked a shot from the second soldier and kicked him in the gut and then pointed his sword at the soldier’s throat, the soldier then walked off looking defeated. The first soldier recharged at Tristan and swiped his sword at him Tristan ducked and then slammed the back of the man’s head into the dirt, followed by a flick of Tristan’s wrist to point the tip of the sword at the soldiers neck. The soldier then walked off to where the second was sitting, and it was Tristan and the third soldier left. The soldier tried shot after shot with his wooden sword but Tristan was too quick to the parry every time and the soldier grew more tired after every shot delivered. Finally Tristan just simply kicked him in the gut and quickly placed his sword onto the back of the soldier’s neck.

* * *

Tristan sat there eating bread and chatting to other members of the unit.
“Is there anyone else who will challenge me?” said Tristan.
“What about me?” a voice said.
Tristan swiftly turned to face the person who had said the words. And ended staring, face to face with Karra.
“What a surprise, also what are you doing here”
“I’m in the army that’s what”
“I will not fight you so don’t worry”
“So the greatest fighter uses cowardice to keep his dignity”
Tristan turned around and walked away to his tent.

* * *

A couple of days later Karra was in rage. She had ridden for an hour to get away from the camp, she couldn’t deal with anyone at the moment. As soon as Karra reached a clearing she dismounted, and punched the nearest tree and she continued to hit the tree until the wood was stained red. Karra was surprised with her own fury as she observed her bloodied hand, she noticed a putrid smell, the smell of death. After looking around for a few minutes she found a dead man with an arrow protruding from his back. She checked the body and saw the insignia of a scout. She thought that it was probably a mistake between scouts thinking that the other was the enemy. Karra then looked at the arrow and realized it wasn’t an arrow it was a crossbow bolt. And the Southern States didn’t use crossbows.


Back to top Go down
Zalty
➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
➳ ➳ ➳  ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
avatar

Posts : 3570
Friendliness : 3637
Reputation : 24
Join date : 2010-12-08
Age : 23
Location : Arkansas, usually

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 12:22 pm

This is going to need a lot of work before it can be published. The story moves along much too quickly, and without enough detail; There's much too little description. Backstory should be given exclusively through characters, or in a quick summary at the beginning, which you managed to do for the most part.

Your characters are flat so far. All we've had from them was dialogue, and the occasional reaction. You need to show much more thought in the characters, like when Karra learned she had an aunt. That bit needed much, much more from Karra. We need to get more into her head.

You have a few run-on sentences that make the story move even faster. Use more punctuation, and try to make your sentences longer.

The plot is okay, though.

That's all I have time for right now. I know you wrote this when you were 12, so I expect you can do much, much better now.

_________________
Quote :
“Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you realise that money cannot be eaten.”
-Cree Indian Prophecy

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Back to top Go down
http://draezeth.deviantart.com/
Soulless Dragon
No-Life
No-Life
avatar

Posts : 892
Friendliness : 886
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2011-03-08
Age : 23
Location : The Underworld

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 12:28 pm

lol just as i thought
Back to top Go down
Zalty
➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
➳ ➳ ➳  ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
avatar

Posts : 3570
Friendliness : 3637
Reputation : 24
Join date : 2010-12-08
Age : 23
Location : Arkansas, usually

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:56 pm

I had some "free" time, so I touched up your story a bit. I'll put my comments in red:




Tristan looked over the clear, blue lake and wondered how many times it had turned crimson in times of war. His turquoise eyes matched the lake’s hue as his brown hair mimicked the loamy, fertile soil around it.
He had always wondered what it would be like in battle. This bit lacked character emotion, so I added Tristan's thought process: He imagined the chaos all around, the blood flying, and his heart pumping. He had never been in a full scale one before, only minor raids. But he knew he would find out in a month. The Northern Empire’s army - led by King Corandent - was marching down to capture the Southern States, Linkjenk, Persifre and Claeyvulk, at that very moment. Tristan wondered what would happen if the Northern Empire took his home Lizeth, the capital of Linkjenk. But he didn’t want to know. It was too horrible to think about. But one thought did comfort him: How could they destroy Lizeth after it’s survived 47 years of war?

* * *

Karra searched all over for Tristan in vain. I removed "the next day" because we had no element of time in the previous section. Plus, a time skip of that size is too big for the first chapter of a story. She was a tall girl, as tall as Tristan, with long, wavy, fair hair and hard, steel-like, emerald eyes. She was reputed as an excellent warrior, even at the age of 16, but she preferred a bow over the more coveted sword or Jacard. Let the audience wonder what a Jacard is for a while before explaining it later on. Parentheses are a terrible way to describe something in a story.
Karra knew that Tristan was training in the serene area around Lake Tresele for the army, and she was going to join them the next day.

Her wake-up process, the rations she packed, and the armor she wore are completely irrelevant, and derail the story jarringly. Instead, let information like this be told by other characters, as you will see in a moment. As she led Bervel, her horse, into the training camp, whistles and jeers could be heard from all sides. They were directed at her, the only girl in the camp. Ignoring the men’s cries, she rode through the camp until she found the captain of the Special Forces unit.
“Where is Tristan?” Karra asked.
Practising battle. You should have been there an hour ago,” grunted the captain.
Karra’s brow furrowed, “What? Already?”
“As of today you’ve been recruited into the Special Forces unit that Tristan belongs to. Welcome to the ranks, Karra.” He eyed her armor, “I see that you’re wearing your mother’s armor. I won’t have to give you the standard issued armor that everyone receives upon entering the army…” he was silent for a moment, “You may not realize this, but you are the third female to ever be recruited into the army.” Leave the aunt out for now. A major revelation like that should come later in the book, when you've gotten to know the characters better.
Karra couldn’t help but smile. She’d made quite the achievement, making it in, like her mother had.
She saluted the captain and urged Bervel onward to look for Tristan.

I down-powered Tristan and put him up against someone of his own skill level, rather than three of a lower level. Giving a character too much power right from the beginning is a bad idea. Tristan held up his wooden practice sword, anticipating his sparring partner’s next attack. In his partner’s hand was the long sword-axe hybrid shape of the Jacard.
The two soldiers circled, examining each other’s styles, ready to block any sudden attacks. Seconds dragged on as neither decided to throw the first attack. Patience was a virtue in one-on-one combat.
Tristan crouched and feinted an attack to his right, turning it smoothly into a slash on the left. It caught his opponent on the hand, causing him to drop his weapon. As soon as the Jacard hit the earth, a judge called out, “Round two goes to Tristan! Two to nothing, Tristan wins!”
Tristan took off his helmet and sat down on a log, enjoying a brief moment of respite, “Who’s next?”
“What about me?” called a voice calmly.
Tristan didn’t have to look to recognize the owner of the voice, “Karra!”
“Well, what do you say?” she asked mockingly.
Tristan shook his head, smiling, “I won’t fight you.”
She raised an eyebrow, “Too scared to take on a girl, are you?”
Tristan chuckled and took her hand, “Come on, I’ll show you around.”

* * *

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about the way you began this paragraph seemed off. Three days later, Karra found herself in a clearing, in a fit of rage. She had ridden for an hour to get as far away as possible from the camp. The last thing she wanted to see right now was another human being. Throwing her self-control aside, her fists flew at the rough bark of a tree. Over and over, her knuckles struck, until the bark was red with her blood. She was jerked back to her senses by the smell of defecation.
Her nose led her eyes to a body lying under a tree in a puddle of rainwater. An arrow was lodged in its ribs.
She knelt down next to it, despite the smell, and examined it. A scout’s insignia was visible on his shoulder. She figured it was probably a mistake by another scout, thinking he was an enemy, but something caused her to rethink her theory. What was stuck in his ribs wasn’t an arrow, it was a crossbow bolt. The Southern States didn’t have crossbows. I did like the short sentence at the end, so I kept that, only changing the word "use" to "have". It adds to the gravity of the situation, and the suddenness of the realization.

_________________
Quote :
“Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you realise that money cannot be eaten.”
-Cree Indian Prophecy

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Back to top Go down
http://draezeth.deviantart.com/
Soulless Dragon
No-Life
No-Life
avatar

Posts : 892
Friendliness : 886
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2011-03-08
Age : 23
Location : The Underworld

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 6:20 pm

damn i wish i still had chapter two, alot of action was in that anyway thanks for that
Back to top Go down
Zalty
➳ ➳ ➳ ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
➳ ➳ ➳  ┌( ⁰△⁰)┘
avatar

Posts : 3570
Friendliness : 3637
Reputation : 24
Join date : 2010-12-08
Age : 23
Location : Arkansas, usually

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:15 pm

No prob. I used to be an critic on another forum, so I love doing this stuff. =3

_________________
Quote :
“Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you realise that money cannot be eaten.”
-Cree Indian Prophecy

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Back to top Go down
http://draezeth.deviantart.com/
Soulless Dragon
No-Life
No-Life
avatar

Posts : 892
Friendliness : 886
Reputation : 1
Join date : 2011-03-08
Age : 23
Location : The Underworld

PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   Thu Oct 13, 2011 9:43 pm

lol nice
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Story i started many years ago   

Back to top Go down
 
Story i started many years ago
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Toy Story LEGO + MATTEL WWE
» Newport Games Now Carries Corvus Belli 15mm 100 Years War
» Is death essential to good story writing?
» Campaign Story Challenge : ERA, "The Mass" Story
» Getting Started, GW Version of paint Scheme.

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The Fourth Day :: The Office :: Writing-
Jump to: